Like many, you may aspire to forgive when people have hurt you. Like others, you may also refuse to forgive…feeling some actions are just unforgiveable. What you may not know is that every time you don’t forgive someone, any residue of judgment lands for your unconscious mind as a black mark against yourself…because the failure to forgive keeps you locked in an inner system of blame. The challenge for healing is to work with two opposing forces…fury and compassion.
Here’s the tip: First, allow yourself to feel and express the anger that naturally accompanies being hurt. Take three minutes (max) per episode to stomp and shout, gnash and snarl at the offender in fantasy. Imagine how he/she would respond. Envision big apologies. Do this safely and responsibly with a trusted companion, therapist, or in your journal. The more your body releases the sooner you’ll recover. You may need hours, days, weeks, months or occasionally even years of this before the fury dissipates. Don’t rush this part!
As you’re welcoming anger, keep checking in…asking inside if you’re open to understanding your perpetrator. Only when ready, explore what led them to do what they did to you. Look for their wounds which had nothing to do with you. Remember, forgiveness does not mean you excuse, condone, or ignore what happened. It doesn’t mean accepting anyone back into your life.
